Friday, October 23, 2009

Getting Out Of This Funk

Ever since my Grandmother went into the hospital I've been in a funk. Almost every night I have dreams about urgently trying to get "somewhere" because "someone" needs me, but can't because I'm trying to run with only one leg, or ride a rickety 2 story high bicycle that has no brakes.

What was originally thought to be a stroke is something scarier. She is having seizures because of a mysterious mass in her brain. Her pacemaker prevents her from having an MRI, so the best that the doctors can do is dyes & X-rays, along with blood tests, all of which are inconclusive. The mass could be cancer. The mass could not be cancer. All that can be done is to wait and see.

There are times when I don't want to be brave. I don't want to be philosophical and accepting. I want to pulverize something. I watched my Dad & Grandfather die of brain cancer. I don't want to watch someone else die that way. But, even as I say I don't want to, I will, if that is the way it's suppose to be.

With all this flu stuff floating around the hospital won't allow Indigo Lynne into the building to see her Great-Grandma so we've been doing all sorts of fancy schedule juggling just to be able to take Grandma outside for a few minutes during the day so that the two of them can spend sometime together.

It's the highlight of Grandma's day. Even though she doesn't need to check out with the nurses she insists that I take her by the nursing station so that she can tell everyone she is going downstairs to visit her Great Granddaughter.

Hopefully she'll be able to leave the hospital on the 31st. To where I don't know. She wants to go home, but I'm not sure that that is going to be a viable option. It's possible that she will have to go into an assisted living center.

Grandma has gracefully accepted her uncertain fate. She's 91 and is living every day as a blessing.

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